Dear Fug,
In Vino Veritas
Birdie

Dear Birde,
I've made so much money that I'm afraid that everybody will hate me and be really envious.  Seriously, I'm not kidding.  I'm worth at least $ 400,000,000.  What should I do?
Signed, Daddy Warbucks

Dear Daddy - you can be my daddy if you want! Ok, ok, here's the way to deal with it - everybody you see - as soon as you see them, shake their hand with a $ 100 in the palm.  Believe me, people will love you and if they don't - at least they'll pretend to.
Birdie

Dear Birdie,
I'm a defrocked priest, and have recently been dabbling in a little Satinism - my question - what should I wear to the reunion? Signed, Tux or Tails?

Dear Tails,
Of course you can never go wrong with a nice tux, but the question is - what colour are you thinking? Red or Black.  Well, again, everybody is wearing red this weekend, so that would be quite nice.  But honestly, won't you be a little hot?  I mean really - how does one party down with a cummerbund and french cuffs?  My suggestion? A "wife-beater" for golf, and your clerical collar for dinner.

Dear Birdie,
The Nobel committee called the other day, and asked if I would come to Stockholm and talked to them August 11th.  What should I do?
Signed, Big Shot from Burbank.

Dear Shot,
Hmmmm....this is tricky. I think it's clear what you need to do. Either you have to cancel the trip to Sweden (I mean really, who wants to go to Sweden in the summer?) Or get a red eye out of Stock, and book it into Mekling International. Seriously - is there even a choice?  Nobel Prize vs. the VHS 66 reunion?
Birdie

Dear Birdie,
I'm gay! and I'm pretty happy too. But I was wondering - is the reunion a good place to come out? Nobody knows - not even my wife, or my mistress - seriously - nobody knows!
signed, Butch

Dear Butch,
Don't be ridiculous! We all knew you were gay in High School. The best thing is to come and have a good time. And after all, it might just be phase-after all, it's only been 40 years.
Birdie

Dear Birdie,
I've been in Prison for the last 25 years. How should I deal with my short resume?
Signed,
All the leaves are brown

Dear Leaves,
Hmmm...that's a bit tricky. My suggestion is to tell people that you've been "working" in Corrections and then spend a lot of time practicing using a knife and fork.

Dear Birdie,
I've lost all my money, my wife left me, and I just found out I have leprosy. Is is proper etiquette to ask your classmates for a loan?
Signed,
Shoeless in Meckling

Dear Shoeless,
Probably not good form, but if you stand by the road on Friday afternoon, I'm sure someone would be happy to give you a ride to the reunion. By the way, EVERYONE is pitching in $ 100 for war refugees - Can we count on you?

Dear Birdie,
Speaking of disease, I still drink a case of beer every day, and my doctor suggested that I find some way to cut down - a little. Do you have any suggestions for me?
Signed,
Pop a top in Burbank

Dear Pop,
Have you thought about speed? I suspect that you are still a little depressed about the 1966 State Debate Tournament. I'm told that a new designer drug called Meth is absolutely marvelous for getting out of those Extemp Blues, and it's very good for weight loss too! I mean really! Did you see that fat man on the front page of the website? Don't let yourself go to seed - go to speed instead! You have so much to offer.

Dear Birdie,
I'm gay too!
Signed,
Brad Pitt

Dear Brad,
It's a small world after all:Brad meet Butch, Butch meet Brad!
(hmmm....Brad, are you sure you graduated in the Class of '66?)

Dear Birdie,
I have become a Devil worshiper. It started in the fall of 2004, and I wanted to know if religion was an acceptable topic for the reunion.
Signed,
Ex-Wican in Waco

Dear WiWak,
Religion is always a bit tricky. I suggest that you keep to topics everybody can agree on: Global warming, Katrina, and the war in Iraq, and don't worry - lots of people voted for Bush.

Dear Birdie,
I really enjoyed my high school years. I played in band, and was in lots of activities. I'm happily married with 2 kids in college, and life is just grand. I can't wait to come this summer. See you then!
Signed,
Minneapolis Mom

Dear Minnie,
I don't know what to say. I haven't ever told anybody that they can't come, but think about -really think about before you jump right in. What could you possibly talk to anybody about? I beg you - for your own sake, it's not too late to go to France this summer.

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